"So wake me up when it's all over.  When I'm wiser and I'm older...all this time I was finding myself and I didn't know I was lost."

I never thought that it was possible to feel so much pain and yet be so numb.  So much pain that it's almost what makes you numb.  I'm sorry, I keep saying, I can't tell you what I feel, how I feel about different people, what seems like the best option because--I can't get past the pain.

The pain isn't going away because I'm not facing it.  I ignore it, act happy and bubbly on the surface.  Everyone says you seem "too okay".  Until I say that I can barely attach emotionally to anyone.  Yes, there are people I trust--but because I know it is the logical thing to trust them.

Some days I feel like a robot trying to push all the pain away so I can keep running.  Running from the troubles, just dealing with it when I have to legally.  But I think I'm starting to become ready to face it.

Face that I was physically hurt.  Beat up by someone I loved.  Face that someone had no concern for me, that I was just his object and his to do with what he pleased.  My brain can't wrap around the fact that someone thinks that way.

Face that I was emotionally abused.  That I was disregarded in front of his friends.  That he didn't respect my parents.  That he called me clingy, fragile, weak--and told my friends that.

Face that it's ok that I'm shocked that this happened to me.  That I feel broken, used, tortured inside.  Face that it's ok I'm not the girl I was a year ago.  Start believing that I'm not a mess or fragile or weak.  Because I got out.  I reported it.  I'm protecting myself.  Start believing that I am God's child, created in His own image and made to do something great. Because God has plans for me.  Plans to build me up.  Plans that won't harm me.  Plans that are perfect for me, so I can serve Him with everything.

Because maybe facing the pain will be part of that plan.  God didn't bring this evil into my life, but I truly believe that He can turn the evilest and darkest moments into good use.

And if I face the pain, I can love again.  I can recognize when people love me.  I can start responding to others emotions again.  But most of all--I want to wake up one day, realize this is over, and love again.