You would think that the thing that pains me most was my rape.  Those minutes where I was made helpless and hurt, body and soul.  I thought it was those that would stick with me forever.  The incident that caused me for several weeks to involuntarily rub my wrists together to try to forget the feeling of my wrists being pinned down--it's a trick my therapist taught me in dealing with post traumatic symptoms.

But no.  The rape doesn't hurt the most.  It's how it has affect my future, from big to small.  There's the friends who say I should start dating again soon, those who say I shouldn't date for another semester, those who question old crushes that are coming back.

It's affected how I deal with the deluge of emotions that are coming back all at once.  I was numb for so long but now I feel everything at once: anger, fear, annoyance, joy, sadness, freedom, hope, despair.  Sometimes it feels as if my skin will burst, other times a quiet peace takes over me.

It's affected my relationships.  I don't know how to explain to my male friends that this happened to me, and i'm not ok, but at the same time I am oddly--ok.  Everything I say, do, write I must make sure will not be used against me.  Cause no matter how many times someone tells me it's the 21st century, I know someone can still call me a slut in a court case.

It's affected how I think of myself.  Sometimes I wonder...am I a slut?...did I do something wrong?...was it because I decided to be alone with him?...was I being a tease?  None of these questions should even be in my head.  I know what happened, I know I am innocent, I know I am a good, respectful girl.  But that doesn't matter.  I live in a culture where it is totally appropriate and the norm for one to ask oneself these questions--and also to have others ask them of you.

Except for my scars, I am physically well.  I am one of the lucky ones--I suffered no permanent physical damage, to my knowledge.  But my psyche has taken a bad beating, one it may take a while to recover from.

This is part of my story.  I will float on whatever breeze it keeps sending my way.  But I will not let things within my control be controlled by it.