Sunglasses and a hijab.  It's funny how something that's seen as a sign of oppression in the Middle East is a degree of freedom for me in the US.  To the casual observer I become Brisa--not the person I really am.  Which is ok, because sometimes we all need an anonymous place to go where we can share our true thoughts and feelings without free of emotionally hurting our loved ones or damaging ourselves by sharing too much of what happened to us.  Because oversharing oddly hurts just as much as undersharing.

The shame that comes with being raped is unique to the crime.  I know it is not my fault in any way that this happened to me.  But it is the shame of the crime that keeps me silent and hidden under an alias.

I never wanted to get married early in my life.  I am a career-driven, ambitious woman who doesn't mind being single and independent.  But lately I've had this deep, odd desire to be married.

I think deep inside me I feel that marriage and having consensual sex will somehow erase my shame.
The other day I had a dream that I married someone.  Now.  That day.  At school.  It was the oddest thing.  I have had a thing for that person, I'll admit that, but it wasn't someone I'd ever consider marrying.  But I think it was the fact that my subconscious was alert to one thing--that deep inside I wanted marriage to somehow protect me and cover me from any accusations of "slut" or other words that will be thrown at me in a court or in an investigation.

It scares me how much this assault has affected me.  Physically I can handle it but emotionally I wonder how much is me just maturing and healthily responding to trauma, and how much this is doing to me and affecting me in a way I never wanted to be affected.

But slowly, one day at a time, I sort through everything and figure out who I am--now.  I don't know exactly who I am right now, but I know that I am innocent, guiltless, free, and strong.